4 in the Morning: Do you know where your mind is at?

So it's super early in the morning or late if you're like me and can't get a second of sleep. I could get sleep, which is the shitty part, but I wouldn't get much... so it doesn't seem worth it to try to fall asleep. I'm going to use this post to just talk for a second about my life, where it's at, where it's been, give you a clue as to why I believe I'm losing my mind. I'll just get started then.

I hate my job. That's number one on my list right now. I feel like I can say that here 'cause I highly doubt any of my coworkers or my boss read my blog. I've been told that my blogs are read by more people than I know, some just choose not to give me feedback (let's hope those people aren't my coworkers). Anyways, back on track, my job. I have to wake up at 8 tomorrow to be at work by 9:30 and I only have a half hour to set up the entire store before opening at 10, and I have to do all of this alone. Once I've opened I have to deal with what seems like the worst people in the world. Which can't be right, 'cause they're just average people and I can't believe that the average person sucks, I'm an average person and I don't want to suck. Anyways, lately all I've gotten at work is bullshit on top of bullshit, not just from the customer, but also the people I'm working for.

Last time I worked I opened alone as usual (I'm not supposed to tell people I work alone for safety reasons and such but I figure if they're not going to schedule someone to work with me then me getting beat up and robbed is on them anyways). So I opened and my boss came in for mid-shift and, as usual, all I got from her was shit. That's all I ever get, she's also technically not the boss boss (the boss boss is on leave) and all she does is tell me shit I can't do or tell me shit I'm doing wrong. So every day I work I have to look forward to bullshit from customers and bullshit from my boss it seems. Why the fuck would I want to wake up early for that? Or lose sleep over that?

I would give you my full opinion on working there, but technically I'm not allowed to and I could get fired for it... which kind of makes me want to tell you (isn't that fucked up?) In any case, I'm moving on to a different topic, my debt. My parents recently told me that the problems I have aren't as bad as they seem, so seeing as I'm apparently blind to the true natures of my problems I'm just going to tell you all the "real adult problems" I have and let you decide if I'm in a bad situation.

I'm in an extreme amount of debt and only half of that debt is actually my fault. I've got a $40 a month gym membership to a gym I don't go to that I have to pay or they'll take me to court (btw, the only other ways out of the contract is to move to a different state or die... so yeah). My credit card has been maxed out for the second time in my life and I haven't actually spent a dime of it on myself. You want to know who did? My parents, to pay for the massive amount of debt they're in. So now, ALL of their financial problems become mine. We almost got evicted a week ago because my parents couldn't afford rent. I only get paid about $200 every two weeks. I'm going to leave that there for you and move on to a really weird and moderately personal problem... my one regret in life.

Honest to goodness I only live with one regret in life, which is a very small amount for the average person I'd say. Even the shit I've been ashamed of I don't regret having done because at least I learned from those experiences. This regret came from a choice and I picked the choice that guided me towards a life of debt and depression (fact). What the other choice would have guided me too, I have no clue. Like most choices in life, this one involves a girl (to tiredly misquote the opening narration to Spider-Man in a way that only vaguely resembles the actual quote.)

The choice was to date a girl or not date a girl (she had freaken asked me out). I'll give you a guess as to which one I choose. Yup, you guessed correct, I choose not to go out with her 'cause I was a stupid idiot who was too shy a person to have a girlfriend (still am.) Anyways, she was really cute and I kind of liked her, I should have said yes... but if I had my life would have turned out completely different. Yup, one girl in freaken middle school gave me a life changing choice and I didn't even know it at the time. Now of course this wouldn't be such a life changing choice if it wasn't for a second choice I was given less than a year later. The choice to move to California.

Yup, the only reason you know me and are reading my blog right now is because of... well, me, and technically this girl. The second choice was given to me by my parents who let me decide if my dad should take a job offer in California or if he should just stay in Kansas. Now that's one of those clearly life changing decisions, but this one had a super easy answer: move to California.

I hated it in Kansas, I was bullied a lot and probably would have ended up as one of those school shooting kids if I had stayed... unless I had a really good reason to stay. A girl would have honestly been a good enough reason to stay in Kansas, especially this girl. In retrospect, out of all the girls I've ever dated or potentially had a chance to date, she probably would have been the best of them... then again, it was Middle School, I was 14, the only thing people have in common at that age are liking the pizza the school serves for lunch, so what did I know? But chances are, I would probably find her awesome today.

If I had been dating this girl at the time I would have choose to stay in Kansas. I never would have moved to California and my life would be completely different right now. That's a very difficult thing to get past: what my shitty life is right now vs how things could have been different. So anyways, that's all I really ahve to say this early in the morning (late at night?), if you read this please for the love of all that is holy let me know, even if you simply tell me you read it. Adios amigos!